RandomNPC – Video Game RPG Reviews, Editorials, and Features

‘ello me good smilin’ friends! It’s that time of the week again. Sadly, the very nature of RPGs ensures that we’ll be largely playing the same things from week to week, but sometimes we surprise even ourselves by what we get involved in. Observe!

T.J. “Nerdboy Himself” Condon is getting his SRPG groove on with Fire Emblem for the Wii. When he’s not waving a stick at the screen to make his men march one space too far right into the archer’s line of sight ten times in one battle thank you very much Sacred Stones… (not bitter at all!) when he’s not doing that, he’s up to his neck in the Persona anime.

Michael “CactuarJoe” Beckett still busies himself with Skies of Arcadia, though he nears the end and fears he may be overleveled. Boyo there’s no such thing. Anybody can beat the game, a real man beats the game and makes its creator cry for mercy by proxy.

Cortney “Alethea” Stone continues to chip away at Disgaea, and was last seen remarking that it gets a little better as you go, though she still had unkind words for it thus far. She ventures off to fight demons and a particularly nasty sinus infection. From inside the safety of this here level 4 biohazard suit, I wish her the best of luck.

Derek “Roku” Cavin is also up to some Fire Emblem, in between his epic battles with the legalese required for this here website and his own workload. I don’t know what kind of voodoo blood pact with Dagon he had to make to keep himself going – although that would explain his shuffling around going ‘I’a Dagon’ all the time – but the guy’s a human dynamo.

Jason “Ishmael” Schreier remains on the loose after an extensive manhunt across six states. The bounty has been upped to six trillion quatloos. Or he could simply be busy with schoolwork, but that explanation’s no fun. I like the manhunt one. It has Tommy Lee Jones in it.

Jerry “XeroZohar” Swain has reacquainted himself with Gran Turismo 4. Remember dude, flip-up lights make the car go faster. When he’s not reenacting his favorite scene from Bullitt, he’s off fighting alien invaders with a yo-yo in StarTropics, better known to me as “yet another old NES game I didn’t beat until a decade later by abusing save states.”

Michael “Slayer of God” Kozinko continues his epic quest for the water chip in Fallout. Just as soon as he finishes a side-trip into the delightful post-cyberpocalypse of Barkley: Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden. Yes, that is a real game. Yes, it’s just an RM2K joint with a lot of recycled sprites. Yes, it’s funny as hell. Go play it right now, it’s only four hours long and it’s free.

I’m doing a bit of that myself, but my main focus remains on Mass Effect and The Witcher. My goal in Mass Effect is basically to emulate Zapp Brannigan. You have to wonder what makes a man turn neutral, y’know? As for The Witcher? *Shaft*. You daaaaaaamn right.

That brings us up to speed for this week. Try the crab cakes, and be sure to tip your waitress.